He was here..

A sad news. DJ's father passed away last week. Not that I feel sorry about it, but more than that I feel troubled and am a little disoriented by the entire incident. The more I think about it, the more I visualise it and the more I get scared of myself. For the last week when I was all by myself in this lonely apartment, my mind was unceasingly speculating about how he died, what he was doing just before he died and the reasons behind his death. We all believe it is quite a mystery and unraveling it would not be easy and take time. Meanwhile, I was visualising him everywhere in this house, behind me in the kitchen, inside the locked bedroom, on the other side of bathroom ventilators staring at me with big still eyes, in the hall and in the silence and emptiness of this house. I would imagine that I would open the door of my room and some people including him would jump on me to make me scared for their laugh. After my day's work got over, I used to be afraid to go back to that silence and emptiness. I would often look up at the fan and visualise the incident. I was counting days for the day when DJ would come back and this place would suddenly be filled with laughter and sounds of merriment.

This is not the first time I am able to imagine and see things in the air after a person's death. Last time when I hallucinated, I lost someone who was close to me. This time, the conversations with DJ and his mother brought him close to me, inside this house, although he was not the person I would think of liking him ever. Nevertheless, these illusions and halucinations, one realization dawned upon me, which is:

After my parents' death, I would freeze and don't think I would ever be able to come out of  halucination. I would imagine seeing my mother and/or father sleeping on the bed or coming out of the bathroom or watching television or narrating to me the day's affairs.

I am frightened and deeply anxious.